Unorthodox and Climax: Sanctuary Detectives
by AnshinCrimson
Summary: Join Hanna Unorthodox, Sullivan Climax and Tubsy the Attack Penguin as as they fight crime and continue the crusade against badly mixed drinks. Rated T for Coarse Language, Sexual References and Excessive Crack. Read and Review please! Seriously, review...
1. Chapter 1

_**Hello to everyone! Welcome to my new story of booze and other things which make life interesting! I don't have much to say here and I'm going to let you read on and enjoy the story. Just to clear up, I don't have anything against those affected with dwarfism, I just thought that Spry would make a good recurring character. Read on and enjoy the story!**_

* * *

_Chapter One: Midgets, Meetings and Pies_

Sullivan Climax yawned and sat up. Rubbing his eyes, he got out of bed and walked into the kitchen where he proceeded to fill an enamel cup with the last of the milk from the fridge, spoon in some instant coffee and place the cup in the microwave.

When the coffee was hot enough to scald, Sullivan gave it a quick stir and sipped a tentative sip before placing the coffee on the bench and strolling to the cupboard built into the kitchen counter. He removed a bottle of vodka from the bottom shelf and, after making sure no-one was looking, he poured a splash into his coffee.

"Saw that" said Hanna Unorthodox, walking out from the corridor leading to the second bedroom. She wore a grey tank top and black track pants which half covered her feet. Her hair was dyed black and her dark, blue eyes sparkled in the morning sunlight pouring in through the glass door leading to the balcony of Sullivan's apartment.

Sullivan shrugged put the bottle back on the shelf and closed the doors. He wore boxers and he had a battered, Rolex on the inside of his left wrist. Still sipping coffee, he headed over to the hi-fi system and plugged in his iPod.

Sullivan flicked through a couple of bands before selecting The Midnight Beast and turning the volume down so that he wouldn't annoy the neighbours. Hanna's head popped up from over the kitchen. "Sully, did you use the last of the milk?" Hanna glared, "first in, best dressed" Sullivan said while sipping his vodka and coffee smugly.

Hanna poked her tongue out at him and began rummaging around in the cupboard in the kitchen counter. "If you're looking for the teabags, I used the last two trying to sober up for the meeting a couple of days ago" Sullivan called, still sipping coffee and smiling.

A hand emerged from below the counter and flicked him off. Sullivan's grin widened as he grabbed his phone and turned it on. It beeped. It beeped again. And again. And again. Sullivan frowned and opened the most recent message.

"SHIT!" he yelled and poured the rest of his coffee into the sink before bounding into his room and grabbing his clothes. "What is it?" Hanna asked, instantly alert. "That was Erskine," Sullivan said through the shirt in his mouth as he hopped out of his room while pulling on a pair of jeans.

"There's a fucking meeting we were meant to be at half an hour ago! Erskine's holding for us but we have to be there before ten or he's going to fire us" Sullivan growled as he buttoned his shirt and slumped onto the couch to pull on his socks. Hanna darted into her room and pulled on a pair of tight jeans, a leather jacket and a pair of leather boots and tied back her hair.

She bolted across the hallway and grabbed her and Sullivan's toothbrushes and the half empty tube of tooth paste and sprinted to the door where Sullivan was waiting. She tore past him, shoving his toothbrush into his hand at the same time. Sullivan locked the door and took the stairs three at a time, heading for the underground garage.

He got to the bottom in under a minute and sprinted to his parking space. In his parking space was a pimped out low-rider with chrome rims and a glossy black paint job, complete with flames running up the bonnet. Hanna was waiting by the passenger door and was tapping her foot impatiently.

Sullivan threw her the keys and she unlocked her door as he slid over the hood. She opened his door from the inside and threw him the keys as he slid into the driver's seat. He started the engine and gave it no time to warm up before throwing it into forwards and powering out of his parking space, braked sharply and waited for the automatic gate to open.

After a few agonising moments, it creaked open enough to allow the low-rider to pass under. Sullivan accelerated hard then braked again. They were both thrown forwards in their seats and Hanna swore. A group of hooded teenagers were crowded around the entrance to the underground garage, smoking and generally being dicks to anyone who walked past.

"Get the fuck out of our way!" Sullivan roared and revved the engine to make his point perfectly clear. The teenagers scattered and the low-rider screamed up the ramp and took a sharp right. "What the hell are you doing?" Hanna shrieked past the toothbrush in her mouth, "Roarhaven's in the other direction!"

Sullivan answered by slinging the low-rider into a sharp hand break turn, slotting into a parking space and throwing open the door and charging into a bakery opposite the parking space. He came out a minute later with a white paper bag in his hand. Hanna spat a mouthful of foam into a nearby potted plant, ignoring the disgusted looks the nearby diners gave her.

Sullivan squeezed out of the parking space and flattened the accelerator to the floor. Hanna had ridden in Skulduggery's Bentley on a couple of occasions but she has to say that she preferred the low-rider. The Bentley had better acceleration and cornering but the low-rider was much more powerful and had a higher top speed.

They got to the Sanctuary with seven minutes to ten o'clock. Sullivan pulled in beside a van belonging to a certain Elder Ghastly Bespoke, grabbed the white paper bag and jumped out of the car, blipping the alarm as he opened the paper bag.

Hanna stared at him as he removed a meat pie from the bag and tucked in. "You risked our jobs for a pie?" Sullivan gave his usual shrug and took another bite. Hanna glared daggers into his back until he sighed and said "fine, I'm sorry that I risked our jobs so that I could have a rather excellent pie for breakfast".

Hanna smiled, "was that so hard?" she asked while her stomach rumbled. 'You have no idea" Sullivan replied, "want some pie?" Hanna took a grateful bite out of a non-eaten part of the pie and actually smiled at how good the pie was.

'_One of the advantages of having Sullivan Climax as your colleague was that you always know where the best bakeries, clubs and liquor stores are'_ she thought as they jogged down the corridors of the Sanctuary. They opened the door to the conference room which, amongst other thing, contained a large conference table which looked uncannily like a toad.

They slid around the outside of the room, towards the Grand Mage. They got there without Sullivan dropping the other half of his pie on anyone's head and Hanna scanned the room of any sign of Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain amongst visiting dignitaries and Sanctuary personnel.

Sullivan leaned over and murmured "where's Skulduggery?" to Erskine. "He's still got two more minutes until ten o'clock" Ghastly chipped in from beside Erskine. Sullivan shook his head and continued to nibble on his pie.

Four seconds later, the door burst open and Skulduggery leapt into the room. "Two minutes until ten, who's the man?!" he exclaimed loudly. The whole room lapsed into embarrassed silence and Skulduggery froze as he realised that there were people other than Ghastly and Erskine in the room.

The silence was deafening, broken only by the sounds of Sullivan munching absently on his pie and Valkyrie face-palming repeatedly behind Skulduggery. "Shoot me" Erskine whispered to Ghastly. Ghastly didn't reply, he just stood up, sat in the corner of the room and began rocking back and forth, staring off into the distance.

Three hours later, the meeting was finished, the ice had been broken and Ghastly had been coaxed out of the corner with a piece of beef jerky. Sullivan was first to the door and Hanna was right behind him. He opened the door and he bumped into a midget who had sneaking past the door.

The midget was a thief called Julian Spry. He was widely considered the best thief in Ireland and Sullivan running into him was just plain old bad luck. Sullivan recognised him just as Spry recognised Sullivan.

They stared at each other. They stared some more. Then Sullivan made the mistake of going for the handcuffs on his hip. Spry drove a brutal punch right into his upstanding gentleman. Sullivan stiffened then hit the ground like a felled oak tree.

Spry took off as fast as his stout legs could carry him and he turned a corner just as Hanna stepped out of the room and looked down at Sullivan. "Get that fucking midget!" he rasped and Hanna sprinted around the corner and rapidly closed the gap between her and the little thief.

She took a flying leap and tackled Spry around the waist. She pinned him the ground and cuffed him around the hands and ankles. Sullivan lurched around the corner, still clutching his groin and leaning against the wall for support.

"Oh good, you got him" he muttered before slumping to the floor and curling up.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Hello you all! this next upload of Unorthodox and Climax: Sanctuary Detectives. This one is written my my friend who is the inspiration for Hanna. She wrote them all and I only did a little editing. Note that the horizontal lines mean that they chapter has ended and the next one is completely different. Read on and enjoy! **_

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_Chapter 2: Pizza, Midget Bathrooms and The Inferno_

It is said that the first change is the worst.

Lie.

It feels like a fire's fire tracing your veins. A gentle caress against your skin. Itching and burning in the Inferno of Hell itself. With only an angel to routinely cool your bubbly blistering skin in a bath of ice. Only until it melts and the black watery depths start to bubble as boiling water.

He apologises, screaming profanities at himself from me being helpless, and alone. My friend and partner in crime, Sullivan Climax is the same age as me.

We are from the same magic, different types. I'm an adept and I'm telekinetic. Sullivan is a Hijacker, meaning he hijacks other sorcerers' powers and uses them himself. Lucky for me this only happens a few times a year. It's painful.

Very painful, the burning sensation, the restriction of ice water. Not helping in the least. Sully doesn't like to see me like this, even enclosed in his ego of immortality, he hates to see me in pain, any kind of pain.

After my first change with him as a roommate, friend and partner, it scared him to shits. I told him to get ice from the corner store and he practically cried the whole way.

Second time was better, getting ice when it started not when it kicked into gear. And when it eventually ended (two to four days,) we reached the dilemma of one thing. We shared a bathroom. Afterwards, we renovating my walk in closet into a mini bathroom with a bath, sink, toilet and cupboard.

Still in the infernos clutches, with Sully sitting beside me.

"I need the bathroom, I'll be back in a minute" he whispered pushing his brown hair out of his eyes.

I merely grunted.

He sighed as he stood on the threshold of the midget bathroom to my bedroom.

"You also need to clean your room, it's a mess" he joked half-heartedly.

"I'll work on it" I wheezed.

He gave me a pained look when he thought I wasn't looking and trudged off to do his business.

I counted to a hundred and thirty-nine before I deliriously stood out of the tub in nothing but black yoga-type short shorts and a black crop top. I tumbled into my wooden plank linoleum floor and tripping on some clothes, catching the doorframe leading out to the mini hallway before I crashed to the floor.

I stumbled into the kitchen at the end of the hallway to meet Sullivan with a look of masked horror in his green, wide eyes.

'What are you doing Hanna?' He questioned, looking two heads down at me, pushing me back to my bedroom. He quickly realised that wasn't going to work, so he placed his hands on my back and swept my feet from under me.

My head started swimming in a fog of dizzy, resting my head in the crook of his neck, feeling his cool hard skin against my flushed hot skin. As he gently rested me in the cool water I murmured "I'm sorry" along with half a sigh of guilt and tiredness.

"It's fine, alright. You probably got into my weed or some drugs," He shrugged coolly, "it happens".

He quickly left and returned, handing me a big bottle of peach flavoured ice water, my favourite. I drank half of it in one go and handed it back to him. "Thanks" I simply said.

"No problem" he murmured quietly, lost in thought.

I held my hand out of the water and he took it gratefully and sighed, brown mass of hair in his arms on the edge of the tub.

After a few minutes of our tiny embrace I started to drift off, his hand slipping from my grasp. I heard a ruffle of clothing and the touch of his hands untying the failed bun I attempted with my hair, and retying it into a ponytail midway up my skull.

I woke alert, eyeing how peculiarly clean my bathroom looked. I also noticed that my bedroom wasn't a mess anymore, probably with my clothes on rainbow order. I saw a foot hanging of my bed. He would usually sleep in my bed when I'm 'sick' because his room is on the other side of the apartment.

I picked up the thermometer, after a few, it beeped reading 49 degrees Celsius. Good enough. I put down the thermometer and drank the rest of my iced tea. Snuck into my room and got clothes and changed in the midget bathroom.

Now wearing grey sweat pants and a black, extra-large gaming shirt from Borderlands 2, saying '870 gajillion more guns' in pink font. I went into the kitchen and ate some left over pizza and went to sleep next to Sully.

After a few hours I woke up with his green eyes looking at me. A little creepy but alright.

"Hey," He said, 'back from the burning dead, huh".

Something was up.

"I fucking hate it, it's bloody awful" I whined, still burning a little. He shuffled over so he could hug me, but I knocked him away and walked to the midget bathroom.

"Whatcha doing?" He asked.

"The first thing I do after not brushing my teeth after three days" I replied.

"Have fun for me, kay?"

"Kay".

After that Sullivan had a shower and we proceeded to talk about the case we were previously assigned to, before my body decided to spontaneously burn up. So the sanctuary handed it to Skulduggery and Valkyrie. And apparently they were coming to our place in the next five minutes.

So that's what's up.

"Go change into something so you look sick".

"Sully, I am sick. I'm in pyjamas!"

"Go lie down on the couch and look dead".

I did, the sun was starting to give me a headache anyway so I covered my eyes with the crook of my elbow.

"Great"' he said cheerfully, 'You look dead, good job." Tossing something at me. I sensed it in time to catch a wet cloth. I placed it over my eyes, making me feel better.

After a time, the Bentley pulled up in the underground car park and footsteps were heard along with the easy chatter of Skulduggery Pleasant. Followed by a knock and the ding-dong of the doorbell.

"Look tired! You're the babysitter, remember" I whispered as he past, he replied by smiling and patting my head.

I heard his walking change, the strong confident stride of Sullivan Climax to the sluggish shuffle of Hanna Unorthodox's bitch.

There was a pause and he opened the door greeting them in a tired, hushed tone. I'm not actually sure whether he was faking or not. He'd seemed normal enough before.

Three pairs of footsteps walked through the living room saying hi to me. I peeked under the cloth with the sight of Skulduggery and Valkyrie. Valkyrie went to sit down by my head but out of the way so I still could see the guys.

"Sully?" I asked tiredly and as innocently, "could you get me some aspirin?"

"I'll get it" Valkyrie said, bounding to her feet, "where is it?"

"In my bathroom down the hall, to the left" Sullivan and I said at the same time.

"Okay, dokey" she strolled to her destination.

"What's up with Hanna?" asked Skulduggery.

"Something that happens in her family" Sullivan stated simply.

"What are the symptoms? Fever? Blisters?"

I nodded, "I need to soak in ice water or my body overheats and I'd suffer crazy results of heat exhaustion". I wheezed and started coughing uncontrollably.

"You sound horrible, Hanna" Said Valkyrie worriedly, passing the aspirin.

"Thanks Val. Also, some guy did an autopsy to see what happened with my mum a while ago. Apparently all her organs boiled with bubbles and imploded or something and all her blood heated to steam".

"That's terrible!" remarked Valkyrie, passing me a cool glass of water to drink down the meds.

I glanced at Sullivan and noticed he had a worried face on, playing for the sanctuary probably. No doubt Skulduggery and Valkyrie will run straight to the elders: Erskine Ravel, Ghastly Bespoke and Madame Mist. I hope they don't butter it up to much. I can still work.

Skulduggery and Sullivan waked passed me to the balcony. Closing the door, out of earshot. Valkyrie just sat there not saying anything. And after a while I eventually drifted off again.

When I woke up, Skulduggery and Valkyrie were gone. Sully had moved to the couch and somehow manoeuvred to have my legs on his lap eating some more cold pizza. He noticed me awake and handed me a meat lover's slice, I nibbled at it as I turned to the TV, with some weird movie on with the volume down low.

"What did Skul say?" I asked breaking the tranquil silence. 'Just some case stuff I gotta do, lucky you, you're off the job for another week, but you got to go have a meeting on Sunday at midday with Crux and Erskine" Sullivan replied, taking a bite of pizza.

"Cool" I said dreamily. Drifting off once again to a nice dream about meat loving pizza and them living in pizza boxes, with midgets in midget bathrooms and everything was midget sized.

* * *

3:12AM

I ran. Running as fast as my legs will take me. Flinging myself after the murderer. Closing the gap with every stride. Sullivan took the back way of this dank, slimy alley, attempting to cut him off. No lights.

Only the sound of my quiet tread, my flat even breathing, the culprits loud, stumbling footfall, his heavily, panted breath and the swift arrival of Sullivan, lounging against the wall in a spot you wouldn't find me dead to lean against. He walked relaxed. His 'awesome' flooding the lengthy space like a tidal wave.

Anaconda Scale stopped dead in his tracks.

'Where do you think you're going Anaconda?' He questioned the fugitive. 'Not trying to run away again, are you? This is the third time this week! With us every time.' He wiggled his eyebrows at him.

'Fine!' He shrieked, flailing around and surrendering in a funny voice, part French, part American, part Irish. 'Just don't hurt me again! Please!' He started sobbing like a two-year old crying over chocolate.

'Wuss.' I muttered, getting the cuffs from my back pocket. I gasped.

Bad idea.

Instead of cuffing him, I doubled over, stumbled away and wretched in a nearby bin, the after-effects of the inferno catching up with me. Sullivan was by in a flash, already with Anaconda cuffed to a pipe on the wall. He held my hair back while I puked everywhere. After I settled some, I looked up in time to see a skinny, mid heighted man running off with a meter length pipe cuffed to his wrist.

I lifted a hand and pointed. Sullivan swore, passed me some gum and streaked down the alley and around the corner. I continued to throw up, hearing an awful lot of swearing and clanking of metal on metal.

When I finally finished upchucking, I chewed on a slice of gum, jogging down and around the corner too find Anaconda Scale's pipe, thread behind two other pipes bolted to the wall. Along with him sprawled on his stomach, whimpering whilst Sullivan was sitting on him cross legged, tweeting about his day on his smartphone.

* * *

7:17AM

I stormed to my bedroom, slamming the door and locking it after me. My soon to be ex-boyfriend, Jack Luck, was banging on my deadlocked door saying apologies and saying he still loved me, and this is _after_ I found him kissing some weird chick in the coffee shop across the street.

We'd been dating for seven months now, and things were looking pretty solid. Then this? What the hell? Great, now he's getting angry at me for not being 'together, together' with him. Sigh.

"Go away Jack! We're over, done, gone. Get out" I yelled.

"Don't be like this, babe. I love you!" He said through the door.

"I don't care! So leave! Now!"

"Come on, open up. Can we be mature and talk about this?" he offered.

"You might've wanted to choose that before you go off kissing skanks 30 feet from where I live! GET OUT!" I shrieked.

He was silent for a while, I cooled off against my will, still wanting to be mad at him.

"I love you" He murmured.

I screamed, kicking a beating the 5 inch thick old oak wooden door.

"GET AWAY FROM MY HOUSE!" I screamed shrilly.

"ALRIGHT! WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?" Sullivan roared, storming out of his bedroom on the other side of the apartment. "IT'S FUCKING 7.30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING AND I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY FUCKING COFFEE YET! DO YOU WANT SOME HANNA?" Not bothering to quiet down until he was finished.

"Yes, please" I called through the door, just loud enough for him to hear.

"Alright, now you, you fucking shit bricked moron, get the fuck out" He said menacingly.

I didn't need to see what he looked like. Dressed only in boxer briefs, taller than Jack by half a foot, muscly, ripped and with his brown hair messed up nearly as much as Fletchers. His green eyes staring and swearing into his soul. If he left, he did so quietly and quickly.

I went to fall onto my bed, changing into some comfy clothes. After five minutes or so I heard a piece of paper jam under my door, it clogged and refused to go under the door. Sully swore to himself and stuffed it into the crack in the doorframe, and heard it hit the linoleum floor with a muffled crack.

"I put a letter in your door" he stated simply.

"Thanks" I replied.

Hearing him shuffle off and drink his vodka-coffee, I moved in and unbolted the door but didn't leave. Instead I sat against the back of my bed on the floor and opened the letter.

_Who was that fucktard? Was he the douchebag I didn't _

_like? If he was, than you're an idiot for not listening to me. _

_You're probably crying like a girl in there but you have_

_to get your coffee, it's getting cold. Told you so._

- Sully. C.

A single tear escaped.

I'm not going to cry. No need too, he cheated and I ended it. I'm not going to cry.

I walked out to of my room to the kitchen and found Sullivan on the couch with his vodka coffee. I wrapped my hands around the mug and plopped down next to him. I leaned my head on his shoulder and cried.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Hello everyone! Welcome to the compulsory crack chapter of Unorthodox and Climax: Sanctuary Detectives! Events leading up to this chapter go something like this: Sanctuary pisses off hippie villain, hippie villain decides to embarrass Sanctuary by spiking its water supply, crack ensues. Note that this was written while under the influence of so much dubstep that I think the bass broke my new iPod headphones as well as a game of football and a bowl of popcorn so expect some strange shit to happen. Also WHERE ARE THE REVIEWS? Seriously, someone please review this stuff otherwise I think that I might go drink myself into a stupor. Oh, and thanks to that follower, you know who you are! Enjoy!_**

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_Chapter 3: Crack, Crack and more Crack_

Skulduggery pulled into the Sanctuary parking lot and swore while stomping on the brakes, waking up Valkyrie in the process. Sullivan was in his low-rider and doing burnouts in the middle of the parking lot. Hanna was standing in the doorway to the Sanctuary, laughing like it was the funniest thing she had ever saw.

Skulduggery swore again and Valkyire just looked confused. Sullivan span out a little bit too wide and clipped the back of Ghastly's van, smashing a tail-light and rocking it on its suspension. Hanna's laughing went into overdrive, forcing her to slide down the wall, laughing so hard she was silent.

Growling curses under his breath, Skulduggery got out before flipping high into the air as Sullivan lost control of the low-rider and hit Skulduggery before crashing some poor Sanctuary employee's Smart Car, flattening it like a pan cake before skidding to the side. The low-rider's wheels dug in and caught the asphalt, causing the car to roll with a screech of metal on concrete.

Skulduggery groaned and sat up as Sullivan crawled from the wreckage. He was missing his shirt and had some of the widest eyes Valkyrie had ever seen. He got up and stood still for a while, then he screamed "PENGUIN!" and sprinted off towards Dublin.

* * *

Skulduggery followed Valkyrie into the Sanctuary. they passed a Cleaver who was headbutting a solid concrete wall repeatedly. Judging by his progress, the Cleaver was either going to give himself a fatal brain hemorrhage or break through to the room on the other side of the wall before lunchtime.

Valkyrie pushed Skulduggery into the Medical Bay, passing Doctor Nye who was busy injecting a baseball cap on a full sized autopsy table with what appeared to be maple syrup. "Just wait here until I come and get you," Valkyrie said looking around for another doctor to repair Skulduggery's cracked ribs.

Doctor Synecdoche was the only other doctor on duty at this time of the day and she was drinking water from what appeared to be a kidney dish.

Valkyrie walked over, "can you take a look at Skulduggery? I think his ribs are fractured" she asked anxiously. Doctor Synecdoche looked over and squealed in fright, "Skeleton! There's a skeleton in the Medical Bay! Run for your lives!" She screamed while running out of the room.

She was out the door before the kidney dish hit the ground.

What's wrong with everyone this morning?, Valkyrie thought as she headed back to Skulduggery who was groaning in pain. "Just wait here, there's bound to be someone here who hasn't gone crazy" she told Skulduggery concernedly, "not a problem" Skulduggery replied, hugging his sides to ease the pain.

Valkyrie walked out of the Medical Bay, hoping to hell that someone here was slightly sane, while Doctor Nye tried to suck the maple syrup out of the baseball cap and hum what sounded like the bass drop from Doomsday by Nero.

* * *

Valkyrie walked down the main corridor of the Sanctuary. A group of Cleavers were dancing to dubstep which was being beatboxed at them by a very stoned looking Erskine Ravel. "WUB WUB WUB WUB WUB!" he screamed at the top of his voice while tearing off layers of his robes and flinging them at Tipstaff who was huddled in a corner, muttering to himself.

She spied what appeared to be two sane looking sorcerers having a conversation, oblivious to the commotion around them. Valkyrie made her way over to them, trying her hardest to ignore Ghastly who was vomiting into the coffee machine. She made a mental note to never drink any coffee from that machine again.

She had almost reached the two sorcerers but she quickly removed them from the 'sane' list she was building in the head and added them to the 'tripping the fuck out" list once she heard their conversation.

"Chuck Norris is so my bitch" one said to the other. "Alright but I want to have Batman as my bitch" the other replied, "fine... but I get the TARDIS cos' Doctor Who is actually Chuck Norris in disguise" the first one shot back. Valkyrie decided to leave before the conversation got any weirder.

* * *

Valkyrie walked down the corridor of the Sanctuary which housed the offices of the detectives. She was there because she wanted the bottle of tequila she knew that Sullivan kept in his office. Removing her skeleton key from her pocket (Get it? Get it? :D), she opened the door in time to see an elaborate trap laid out.

A large sling shot had been rigged up in Sullivan's office. When Valkyrie had opened the door, she had tugged a rope which had knocked a barbell off a stack of books which was attached by a piece of rope to a fly wheel with a knife strapped to it, spinning the fly wheel.  
But not of that caught her attention.

Her attention had been drawn away by a cleverly placed mechanical monkey sitting on the floor directly in front of her. It was holding a pair of cymbals and was clapping them together quickly in a robotic fashion. She had enough time to say "What the fuck?" before whiring noise of the fly wheel made her look up.

She saw the trap laid out and realized what it was just as the knife cut through the rope and the sling shot sent a yoga ball flying into her face.

* * *

Valkyrie woke up an hour or two later to find Sullivan standing in his office looking at something on his desk and muttering. "What's going on?" she asked, Sullivan screamed and leapt about 5 feet into the air. He looked around and saw her lying on the concrete floor beside the yoga ball.

"Get her Tubsy!" he yelled as a penguin jumped off the desk and charged at her, squeaking as fiercely as it could and spreading it's wings as it toddled towards her. "Awwww!" she cooed as the cute little penguin ran up to her ankles. A few seconds later, it stopped being so cute when it began mercilessly pecking her leg through her trousers.

"Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!" she yelled while rolling to her feet and hopping around, trying to avoid the attack penguin. She stepped on the yoga ball and slipped, cracking her head against the hard floor.

* * *

She awoke once again, two hours later, pissed as hell. She got up, making sure that there were no attack penguins nearby, and clicked her fingers under the fire alarm on the ceiling.

Every alarm in the room went off and the crazy mages charged for the exit, remembering the fire drill, even while tripping balls. they reached the exit and congregated in the Sanctuary car park, seeing the wrecked remains of the low-rider and the Smart Car.

"NOOOOOO! Not my Smart Car!" Doctor Nye cried, loping over to the flattened chassis of the Smart Car, tears running down his face. Skulduggery walked over and looked to be about to pat him on the shoulder in sympathy but seemed to change his mind and smacked him around the back of the head instead.

Everyone seemed to have a moment of silence for Nye's Smart Car. A sharp scribbling noise caused them to turn and look as Sullivan, wearing Tubsy the Attack Penguin in a small backpack, changed the last two figures of the Bentley's license plates from 61 to 69.


	4. Chapter 4

**_Hello again readers! This is a complementary chapter, having been created at the request of one Lucilia Venom who asked that I write more random shit. I know that I said that I'd take a break from writing due to State of Origin but I'm so pissed at Paul Gallen that I can't handle doing nothing. This chapter contains references to many things so please! Don't sue me! Lucilia, you listen to Imagine Dragons, which increases your swag by one point. Granted, I only know _****Radioactive****_ but it's my fifth favorite song according to my phone... Anyway, on with the chapter!_**

* * *

Sullivan marched in front of the line of Cleavers, giving them a 'rousing' victory speech in the hope that it would give them extra vigor in the following fight. Valkyrie, Hanna and Skulduggery all winced at the many nonsensical words Sullivan invented to fill in gaps.

"-but remember, we're not just fighting for justice! We're fighting for the title of baddest motherfuckers in the world! Oh, and if you find any drugs in there, give them to me immediately for thorough... um... testing! Move out!" Sullivan roared, raising his extendable steel baton.

The Cleavers immediately moved to all of the doors and windows of Anaconda Scale's 'safe' house, preparing to rush in with overwhelming force. A Cleaver holding a battering ram shuffled up beside the front door and smashed it in.

Immediately, a wave of penguins roared out, swarming the Cleavers and wriggling up the sleeves of their uniforms. The wave continued outwards, flipping the armored van which the Cleavers had been driven over in.

Sullivan, Hanna, Valkyrie and Skulduggery all leapt for the tree in the front yard of the suburban house. Dragging themselves up the branches, they sheltered from the pengu-pocalypase.

"Come on Hanna, do something! This is what you've been trained for!" Sullivan shouted above the squeaking and cuteness. "This?! I've been trained to fight hundreds of bloodthirsty penguins! IN FRONT OF DOZENS OF WITNESSES? THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN TRAINED FOR?!" Hanna screamed, looking like she could murder Sullivan.

Sullivan hung upside down from a branch and scratched the five o'clock shadow his chin. "Well, parts of your training which have been heavily modified and willingly misinterpreted could apply to this kind of situation!" he yelled back thoughtfully.

"JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL THE PENGUINS HAVE GONE CLIMAX! YOU'LL WISH THAT THE PENGUINS HAD KILLED YOU!" Hanna roared, cracking her knuckles.

Sullivan shrugged and swung himself up onto his branch, removing a bottle of Heineken from somewhere inside his leather jacket, seemingly unconcerned by the thought of being disemboweled by the furious Hanna.

* * *

**_A/N: Warning! The following segment contains many innuendos! But they aren't that bad, plus they were written by AC DC, one of the best bands to ever grace the stage, and they're Australian no less!_**

Sullivan walked down the isle of the supermarket, browsing the selection of instant noodles on offer while whistling _Big Balls_ by AC DC. "-and I always fill my ballroom, the event is never small, the social pages say I've got the biggest balls of all! I've got big balls! I've got big balls!" he sang loudly, shocking a group of nearby pensioners.

He gave up on choosing and swept most of the shelf into his shopping trolley before continuing on his way. Turning the corner, he continued with the song, "-some balls are held for charity and some for fancy dress, but when they're held for pleasure, they're the balls that I like best!" he wailed, turning down the cereal aisle and dropping a large box of Fruit Loops into the trolley.

He was so into singing that he didn't notice Anaconda Scale approaching from behind until Scale accidentally bumped into him. "You!" Scale hissed unimpressively, reaching for a jar of curry paste on the opposite shelf.

Sullivan did a double take, "Anaconda?" he said as though he wasn't sure that Scale was actually real. "Yeah, me! That's right, quake in fear!" Anaconda growled while checking the best before date on the jar.

Sullivan nodded, waiting for Scale to catch up with him. "So, how've you been? Have you got a special someone in your life?" He asked innocently. Scale struggled to stop himself from running away.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Scale stuttered, disarmed by the fact that Sullivan wasn't kicking seven shades of shit out of him. Sullivan noticed the washing powder in Scale's trolley, "You probably want to use Harpic, it makes the whites whiter" He said knowledgeably because Hanna always made him do the laundry, dishes and housework in general.

Scale broke down in the middle of the aisle.

"I just wanted to have a night in!" he sobbed while they turned into the cleaning products aisle. "I just wanted to watch H-H-Home and Away a few weeks back while having some take away" Scale sobbed, "but my penguin got a cold and I had to spend all night looking after him!"

Sullivan stopped his trolley and grabbed a bottle of cleaning fluid off the shelf as Scale began crying in earnest. "There, there" Sullivan patted Scale's back, holding the now uncapped bottle under Scale's nose. "Just take some deep breaths through your nose and out through your mouth."

After about half a minute, Scale passed out and Sullivan hefted the felon into the child's seat of his trolley and continued his shopping.

* * *

Sullivan and Hanna crept through the woods towards the suspect house. They approached the door as Valkyrie and Skulduggery approached from the other direction. "Any trouble?" Skulduggery asked, drawing his gun.

"Nah," Sullivan shrugged "the woods were pretty quiet and there were no security cameras." Skulduggery nodded, hoping to hell that Sullivan was right. "Okay," he said, "The guys in this house could be pretty dangerous so be prepared for close quarters fighting."

The others nodded huddled around the sides of the door and Skulduggery knocked on the door. After a moment, a voice with an American accent emanated from behind the door. "Wat choo' doin' out dere' foo? Youse bedda bounce befo I get my broddas on yo asses!"

Skulduggery just looked confused which is quite difficult when you're a skeleton but he was very confused. "What did he just say?" he said.

"I think he said he wants some good old fashioned cola" Valkyrie said.

"Don't worry," said Sullivan, "I'm fluent in ghetto".

He cleared his throat.

"Whatchu say foo'?" Sullivan grunted at the door. "I sayed – Wat - choo' - doin' – out - dere'? Youse – haid – bedda – bounce – befo' – I – shoot – yo' – ass – full – of – bo-lets!" the door said. "Why you sayin' dose tings foo'? Fo' all yo' no, we on yo' side!" Sullivan ghettoed back.

"Yo all here to collect yo' shiz? Sorry yo', We's gots to keep a shayrp eai out yo' no'?" the door said, the side of sliding deadlocks echoed from behind the door. "Swaggin'" Sullivan said before being hit in the face by a solid wall of smoke from inside the house.

* * *

The following morning, Ghastly Bespoke came home to his secret cabin in the woods where he relaxed from the stresses of being an Elder. Opening the door, he found Skulduggery, Valkyrie, Hanna and Sullivan plus three gangsters in blingy chains and pimp coats.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE" Ghastly roared, prepared to either hit something or smoke something.

Sullivan bolted upright.

"Don't worry," he said, "I can explain."


	5. Chapter 5

_**Time for a zombie chapter! Thanks for the attention you guys, you're all awesome!**_

_**Psuedo-Vulture: Fair enough... Nye's Smart Car was possibly the best idea I have ever had besides... Fuck, I think it might be THE best I've I've ever had since ever... Tubsy is probably the second, he was born in a SOSE lesson at school so I deducted points.**_

_**Galactic Clouds: Thanks a bunch, even though I don't know how many SP fan fics you have read, I'm going to assume that you've read a lot. Seriously though, thanks for the review because it means a lot to me.**_

_**Lucilia Venom: You're an odd one aren't you? Hanna sends her regards.**_

_**Rosiebrokate: Are you still there?**_

_**Yeah, I know it's not my best chapter but it was the best I could do while I was so preoccupied ABOUT WINNING THE F*CKING STATE OF ORIGIN GAME 2! QUEENSLANDER!**_

_**Anyway, enjoy the chapter!**_

* * *

_Chapter 5: ZOMBIES! BEER! A-SERIOUS-GRITTY-STORY-WHICH-WAS-GOING-TO-SHOW-HOW -HARD-A-ZOMBIE-APOCALYPSE-WAS-UNTIL-IT-DEGENERATED -INTO-A-CRACK-FEST!_

Hanna Unorthodox woke with a start. The crash of breaking enamel was unmistakable and still ringing in her ears. Footsteps echoed down the hallway, they were heavy, sluggish and... squeaky? The squeaking continued until it was right outside her doorway, then it stopped and the noise of sniffing filled the air.

The sharp, metallic tang of blood invaded her nose as she lay still, barely breathing. "Sullivan?" she called, not knowing whether to be scared at the scent of blood or annoyed because it was probably Sullivan playing a joke.

A low moan dragged itself into the room like an unwanted guest.

"Shit" Hanna whispered to herself.

The door exploded into splinters and a bare, blood covered arm punched clean through three inches of solid oak. "SULLIVAN!" Hanna shrieked, pushing herself back against the wall her bed rested against.

The door shook violently and an animal roar assaulted Hanna's ears. Another arm punched through the wood, this one was covered by a polka dotted sleeve, spattered with blood. The door burst open and a clown entered the room.

The clown's eyes were rimmed with black and the eyes themselves were glassy and bloodshot. The clown's big, red shoes were spattered with something black and foul and the polka dotted suit was ripped and torn.

The zombie clown charged across the room and grabbed Hanna's neck, trying to bite her throat. She grabbed its hands and tried to kick it away but it was holding on too tight. The zombie clown went for her throat again and she let one of the hands go, grabbing for the zombie's face.

She hooked her fingers into the zombie's eyes and tried to push it away but it was too heavy and the snapping jaws kept coming closer to her neck. There was a loud pop, a moment of silence then a deep, meaty THWOCK! as something shot across the room and hit the zombie in the back of the head.

The zombie grinned a demented grin and went for Hanna's throat again, drawing closer and closer until...

BANG!

The zombie's head exploded from the inside out, revealing a now gore soaked Sullivan standing in the doorway, wearing nothing but his boxers, and holding a smoking flare gun horizontally, gangster style.

Hanna, on the other hand, had been sprayed in the face with bits of brain and skull. She started blinking rapidly and opening and closing her mouth like a fish. Sullivan lowered the flare gun and scratched his blood streaked chin.

"Now I feel like a Twinkie" he said and walked off to the kitchen to get one.

* * *

Sullivan's phone rang. He took it out with one hand and slid the 'accept call' button across. "Hello?" he asked. "Hey Sullivan! It's-" The caller was cut off by a loud moan from below Sullivan. A zombie was holding onto his ankle and trying to pull itself up his leg.

Sullivan kicked at the zombie's head and it went away. "Sorry, who it it?" Sullivan asked, putting the phone back to ear. "It's me Sully! James Mandt! Remember me from school?" The caller exclaimed.

Sullivan scowled. "I remember you came and fucked shit up, that's what I remember about you" he snapped. There was a moment of awkward silence as they both tried to think of something to say. "So... how are you going?" Mandt said uneasily.

Sullivan looked at the thousand metre drop below him and the window sill his other hand was tightly latched onto. "Oh I'm hanging on, what about you?" "I'm okay..." Mandt relied slowly. "I'm going to hang up now" Sullivan said, noticing that he was starting to lose his grip. "Okay... you do that..." Mandt said.

So Sullivan did.

* * *

Hanna and Valkyrie screamed as Sullivan clipped the back of a Garda squad car and pulled away. They had chose Sullivan's modified Land Cruiser over the low-rider because of its weight, carrying capacity and the fact that it was built like a metal brick. Sullivan took advantage of a clear patch of road to take a quick draught from his bright red beer helmet.

Sullivan released the accelerator and stomped on the clutch, shifting up into fourth gear as they approached 60 kilometres an hour and rising on the empty streets of Dublin. Sullivan had welded a massive, steel bull-bar onto the front grill of the Cruiser and bolted an A-frame with a tow ball onto the bull-bar, allowing the Land Cruiser to be towed by another vehicle.

The Land Cruiser also had a snorkel attached to the air intake, allowing the Land Cruiser to wade through water as deep as the Cruiser was high. The tray had a heavy duty steel cage welded flat against the back of the cab and a thick, metal box welded to the bed of the tray.

The box contained all of Sullivan's tools for laying the undead to rest. Namely; a chainsaw, a baseball bat and a pair of handguns.

Sullivan pressed the next song button and AC DC's _Big Balls_ began playing. The massive engine roared as Sullivan began screaming "I'VE GOT BIG BALLS! I'VE GOT BIG BALLS! THEY'RE SUCH BIG BALLS AND THEY'RE BOUNCY BIG BALLS! AND HE'S GOT BIG BALLS AND SHE'S GOT BIG BALLS! BUT WE'VE GOT THE BIGGEST BALLS OF THEM ALL!"

"AND I THOUGH THIS SITUATION WAS RIDICLOUS ENOUGH! FIRST, A ZOMBIE APOCALAPSE HAPPANS RIGHT HERE IN DUBLIN AND NOW SULLIVAN'S SCREAMING ABOUT SOMEONE'S BALLS!" Hanna shrieked in Valkyrie's ear, seriously wishing that she hadn't followed Sullivan's advice when he said "don't worry about putting on your seatbelt, you won't need it." The fact that he was drinking from his beer helmet while he said it should have tipped her off.

They clipped another car and the CD skipped and _TheBeer Song_ began pounding out of top grade speakers at full volume. "OH WHAT IS THE GOLDEN LIQUOR, WHAT GETS YOU DRUNKEN QUICKER, WHAT COMES IN BOTTLES AND IN CANS? BEER! CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT! BEER! HOW WE REALLY LOVE IT! BEER! MAKES ME THINK I'M A MAN! BEER! I COULD KISS AND HUG IT! BEER! BUT I'D RATHER CHUG IT! BEER! FILL MY BELLY UP TO HERE!" Sullivan sang loudly while changing into fifth gear.

"I COULD NOT REFUSE A, I COULD REALLY USE A BEER, BEER, BEEEERRRR! BEER! BEER! BEER BEER! BEER! BEER! BEER! BEER! BEER!" There was a loud SPLAT! as they hit a zombie while travelling at 120 kilometres an hour and the zombie came apart at the joints.

The next few verses of the song were drowned out by Hanna and Valkyrie screaming an absolute terror as pieces of zombie sprayed in through the open window.

"DRINK WITH YOUR FAMILY, DRINK IT WITH YOUR FRIENDS! DRINK TILL YOU'RE FAAAATTTT! STOMACH DISTENDS! BEEEEERRRRRR! IT'S LIQUID BREAD, IT'S GOOD FOR YOU! WE LIKE TO DRINK TILL WE SPEW! EW! WHO CARES IF WE GET FAT?! I'LL DRINK TO THAT! AS WE SING ONCE MORE!" Sullivan wailed once the shrieking from Hanna and Valkyrie had quietened to a dull roar.

Sullivan sang the chorus again as he roared round a corner and entered Haggard, "WHAT IS THE GOLDEN LIQUOR, WHAT GETS YOU DRUNKEN QUICKER, WHAT COMES IN BOTTLES AND IN CANS? BEER! CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF IT! BEER! HOW WE REALLY LOVE IT! BEER! MAKES ME THINK I'M A MAN! BEER! I COULD KISS AND HUG IT! BEER! BUT I'D RATHER CHUG IT! BEER! FILL MY BELLY UP TO HERE!"

"DO IT FOR ME! BREW IT FOR ME! FEED IT TO ME! SPEED IT TO ME! THE-MOST-WONDERFUL-DRINK-IN-THE-WORLD HOORAY!"

Sullivan stomped on the clutch and the brakes, sending the remaining pieces of zombie attached to the bull-bar smashing though the living room window of a certain Melissa and Desmond Edgely.

* * *

_**A/N: Please review! It only takes a few minutes and I really appreciate it! Also, for maximum effect, listen to The Beer Song at full volume and envisage Sullivan partially drunk, driving at top speed, hitting a zombie and wearing a beer helmet while reading this last bit. Holy shit, now that's a scary thought...**_

_**A/N²: QUEENSLANDER!**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Hello again readers! Welcome to the new chapter of Unorthodox and Climax and I must warn you before I continue, this chapter is inspired by the Skulduggery Pleasant fan-fic called Skulbook by the extraordinarily talented Reia Kellyn. If you haven't read it, read it ASAP! Read on!**_

* * *

_Chapter 8: Spiders, Sullivan's 'baton' an- QUEENSLANDER! QQUUUEEENNSSSLLLAAANNNDDEEER!_

**Sullivan Climax:** Hanna, can you get me a bottle of tequila, a case of Hahn and a bottle of rum while you're out?

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Are you buying?

**Sullivan Climax:** Depends, did you take the low-rider?

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Yeah but don't worry, I haven't scratched it.

**Sullivan Climax:** My spare PayWave card is under the driver's seat.

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Sullivan?

**Sullivan Climax:** Yeah, what's up?

**Hanna Unorthodox:** I reached under the seat and got the card but just out of curiosity, why do you keep a spare baton under the seat?

**Sullivan Climax:** What? I don't have a spare baton, the one I carry is the only one.

**Hanna Unorthodox:** I'm in the liquor store now but do you want me to see what it is when I get back?

**Sullivan Climax:** Yes please.

**Sullivan Climax:** Did you find out what it is?

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Sullivan Climax, WHY THE FUCK DO KEEP ONE OF THOSE UNDER YOUR SEAT?

**Sullivan Climax:** Is 'one of those' what I think it is?...

**Hanna Unorthodox:** YES IT IS!

**Sullivan Climax:** That is not mine, I have never seen it before!

**Skulduggery Pleasant:** Just so you know, the entire Sanctuary is reading this.

**Sullivan Climax:** I maintain my innocence! And why is the entire Sanctuary reading my chat especially the posts about Hanna buying me alcohol?

**Skulduggery Pleasant:**Because Guild isn't here to tell us off but mostly because we're bored.

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Focus! Sullivan, why do you have a dil kasdhf#k

**Sullivan Climax:**I'm sorry?

**Sullivan Climax:** hellllloooo?

**Sullivan Climax:** Are you still there?

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Sorry everyone, I dropped my phone.

**Sullivan Climax:** Any real reason or was it just a heat of the moment kind of thing?

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Heat of the moment but mostly because a mugger tried to jump me as I got back in the car.

**Sullivan Climax:** Are you alright?

**Hanna Unorthodox: **Yeah, I'm okay. The mugger, on the other hand, is some what unconscious and when he wakes up he will have to live with the humiliation of being beaten senseless by a woman armed with Sullivan's 'baton'.

**Valkyrie Cain:** Hahahahahahahahahaha! Oh god, I'm laughing so hard that I fell off my chair

**China Sorrows:** I may have just chuckled at that... A new all time low for me...

**Ghastly Bespoke:** Sullivan, Hanna, your next clothes are on the house.

**Skulduggery Pleasant:** XD I think that the entire Sanctuary is laughing right now. Hanna, we salute you and you should expect a bonus in your next pay check. Sullivan, because of what just happened, the Sanctuary is willing to reimburse you for all of that booze that Hanna just bought.

**Sullivan Climax:** Oh, I almost forgot, can you buy me a bag of salt and vinegar chips? The football game's about to start.

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Sullivan, unless you want to suffer the same fate as that mugger, I suggest that you don't push your luck...

**Skulduggery Pleasant:** And for that, the Sanctuary is willing to buy you the chips too.

* * *

**Sullivan Climax** has uploaded the video **Me and Hanna clubbing The Royal** to the Sanctuary chat-room's Video Forum.

**Sullivan Climax:** Now that is how you party!

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Sully, how can you still be alive? I can't even get out of bed and you drank twice as much as I did.

**Sullivan Climax:** Practice mainly...

**Skulduggery Pleasant:** Sullivan, did you seriously drink all of those bottles of beer I can see in the background at 8:42?

**Sullivan Climax:** Yep, you can see some more bottles at 6:51.

**Valkyrie Cain: **My God, you should be dead from alcohol poisoning right now.

**Fletcher Renn:** 2:30, you two have some serious dance moves. I mean, synchronised dancing to _Parlez__vous__Francais'_?

**Sullivan Climax:** We did some more to _Doomsday_, Nero actually came in and did some live dubstep.

**Skulduggery Pleasant:** You drink way too much.

**Hanna Unorthodox: **Sully, go and feed Tubsy, he's pecking my door.

**Sullivan Climax:** No-can-do.

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Why not?

**Sullivan Climax: **Because I'm not at home.

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Where are you then?

**Erskine Ravel:** JESUS H. CHRIST!

**Erskine Ravel:** SULLIVAN JUST FELL THROUGH THE FUCKING CEILING AND LANDED ON MY DESK!

**Sullivan Climax:** Sup.

**Valkyrie Cain: **Holy shit, pause the video at 5:23! You can see the Queen of England in the doorway on the mezzanine holding a bottle of Jack Daniels!

**Ghastly Bespoke:** Oh my god, you're right...

**Tanith Low: **Look at the second booth to her right... That's Macklemore in there! Does anyone know who's giving him the lap dance?

**Skulduggery Pleasant:**I think that's Psy...

**Ghastly Bespoke:** Sullivan, I'm coming with you next time you go clubbing.

**Sullivan Climax:** You can, on one condition...

**Ghastly Bespoke:** What's that?

**Sullivan Climax:** You get me some pants before someone walks into Erskine's office.

* * *

**Skulduggery Pleasant:** Sullivan, is that you I can hear playing _A New Adventure Remix_?

**Sullivan Climax**: Probably, I'm seeing if my new stereo system has enough bass to knock a spider off the ceiling

**Hanna Unorthodox:**Does it?

**Sullivan Climax:** Maybe, I only started a few seconds ago...

**Sullivan Climax:** Nope, it's not working... I'll change the song...

**Ghastly Bespoke: **_Seven Nation Army_? Really?

**Sullivan Climax:** If you got it, flaunt it.

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Is it working?

**Sullivan Climax:** No, I'll change songs again and turn up the volume some more.

**Tanith Low:** Why not just reach up and flick it off the ceiling?

**Sullivan Climax: **Ain't nobody got time for that!

**Erskine Ravel:** Dear God...

**Tanith Low:** What?

**Erskine Ravel: **That's the song he's playing...

**Skulduggery Pleasant:** Sullivan Climax, turn the stereo down! I can feel my vertebrae rattling it's that loud!

**Sullivan Climax:** Okay, one more song and a little more volume then I'll turn it back down to 'safe' levels.

**Valkyrie Cain:** TURRNNN DDDDOOOWWNN TTTTHHHEEE VVOOOLLLUUMMEE!

**Hanna Unorthodox:** What's happening over there?!

**Skulduggery Pleasant: **Sullivan, I'm on the other side of the Sanctuary and I can't even hear anything. Turn. Down. The. Volume.

**Hanna Unorthodox:** What song is he playing?

**Erskine Ravel:**_Tetris_ by Doctor P.

**Tanith Low:**By the sound of it, I think that the spider isn't on the ceiling any more... It's been blasted into atoms by the sheer force of the bass...

**Sullivan Climax:** THIS IS IT SPIDER! I'M BRINGING OUT THE DUBSTEP EQUIVENENT OF A NUCLEAR STRIKE! YOU MAY RESIST _A NEW ADVENTURE REMIX_,_ SEVEN NATION ARMY_,_ AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT REMIX_ AND _TETRIS_ BUT LET'S SEE YOU RESIST _X RATED _ON FULL VOLUME! YOU SHALL REMAIN ON MY CEILING NO LONGER!

**Valkyrie Cain:** Gggeeettt oouut whhiillle yyyoouuuu cccannnn!

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Sully! Turn it down! Skulduggery, are you all okay?

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Is anyone okay?

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Hello?

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Anyone?

**Hanna Unorthodox: **Guys, it's been 20 minutes, I'm getting a cab to the Sanctuary

**Skulduggery Pleasant:** Holy shit... did we survive?

**Erskine Ravel:** I didn't...

**Skulduggery Pleasant:** Erskine, you have blood leaking from your nose...

**Erskine Ravel:** Shit, I'm going to the Medical Bay

**Tanith Low:** GHASTLY! Are you okay?

**Ghastly Bespoke:** I think so, the corridor outside my office collapsed though...

**Skulduggery Pleasant:** Valkyrie! Are you there?

**Skulduggery Pleasant:** Valkyrie?

**Valkyrie Cain:** Fuck... That was something!

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Guys, I'm at the front entrance but the corridor behind it is demolished

**Sullivan Climax:** Good news everyone! My head exploded into a cloud of dubstep and swag but I have amazing news!

**Skulduggery Pleasant:** Fine, what is it?

**Sullivan Climax:**The spider's dead! Now it's just a little black smudge on the ceiling!

**Hanna Unorthodox:** Sully, say goodbye to alcohol for the rest of the year...

* * *

**Valkyrie Cain:** Dear God...

**Skulduggery Pleasant:** What is it?

**Valkyrie Cain:** Sullivan just ran through the Sanctuary without a thread of clothing onexcept for a maroon scarf screaming "QUEENSLANDER! QUEENSLANDER! QUEENSLANDER!"

**Sullivan Climax:** QUEENSLANDER!

**Hanna Unorthodox: **Well, we all know who won the State of Origin this year

**Sullivan Climax:** And for the last EIGHT FUCKING YEARS! QUEENSLAND! THATS-FUCKING-WHO!

**Valkyrie Cain: **What's State of Origin? Sullivan always talks about it but we never found out what it was.

**Hanna Unorthodox: **It's a game of National Rugby League which is played between the best players from the Australian states of Queensland and New South Wales. Queensland has won every year for the eight years.

**Sullivan Climax:** Its not _just_ a game of NRL Hanna, It is WAR! A LONG AND BLOODY WAR BETWEEN THE TWO MOST COMPETITIVE SIDES IN THE HISTORY OF COMPETITION! GOOD AND EVIL AND NOTHING BEFORE THE RIVALRY OF QUEENSLAND AND NEW SOUTH WALES!

**Valkyrie Cain:** So I guess Sullivan's from Queensland?

**Sullivan Climax:** QUEENSLANDER!

**Valkyrie Cain:** Though so...

* * *

"_- and that's it for the weather! Just to recap tonight's stories, Buckingham Palace was rocked by scandal today as a viral video posted on Youtube caught a glimpse of Queen Elizabeth drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while on a tour of Dublin. The video also captured the hip hop artist Macklemore receiving a lap dance from South Korean musician Psy who is famous for his worldwide hit 'Gangnam Style'. A small town called Roarhaven was hit by what appeared to be a localised earthquake which measured approximately 6.4 on the Richter Scale. Luckily, no one was hurt and authorities are investigating. In other news, the Australian State of Origin was won for the eighth time by the Queensland side, ten points to twelve. That's all for tonight, thank you watching The News at Six and have a great evening!_


	7. Chapter 7

_**Lucila Venom: I am a MASSIVE Valduggery fan! *Fistbump?* I'll work on a Valduggery chapter for you but it might take a while, anything other than crack is tricky for me to write...**_

_**Psuedo-Vulture: Fair enough...**_

* * *

_Chapter 8: Sullivan's Driving, Hipsters and Spring Rolls_

(Okay, this bit of crack is what would have happened if Sullivan was the one driving Tanith to the Sanctuary when she was stabbed by the Grotesquery with the stinger-y thing)

"Shitshitshit! Get her in!" Valkyrie yelled as the low-rider screeched to a halt outside the Hibernian Cinema. The window rolled down and drunk-as-fuck Sullivan poked his head out. "Make sure she doesn't puke on my seats" Sullivan slurred before burping and taking a drink from the three-quarters empty bottle of vodka.

Hanna jumped out and helped Tanith into the back seat. Valkyrie sat next to Tanith and Hanna pointed Kenspeckle to the passenger seat. Kenspeckle got in Sullivan – who was dressed in only his boxer-briefs - sculled his vodka while stomping on the accelerator.

"STOP THE CAR!" Valkyrie screamed and Sullivan jumped on the brakes with both of his feet. "We forgot Tanith's sword, back up back up!" Sullivan shifted the car into gear and slid to a stop back outside the Cinema.

Valkyrie hopped out and sprinted back inside the building.

They waited for a few moments then Sullivan offered the vodka bottle to Kenspeckle. "Want a zip?"

Kenspeckle looked a bit lost for words so Sullivan took another drink as Valkyrie came belting out with Tanith's sword in her hands. They took off again, Sullivan still drinking his bottle of vodka, and headed for the Sanctuary.

_Beep-beep! Beep-beep!_ "Who's phone is that?" Sullivan burped and everyone shrugged. "Oh wait, it's mine..." he said, placing the phone to his ear and taking a drink from his vodka while steering the car with his elbow.

"ello'?" he asked, spilling vodka down his shirt. "He'll call you back, he's got to go!" Valkyrie shouted before tearing the phone away from Sullivan's ear and ending the call. "Shit, watch out for the RBT's Sullivan!" Hanna yelled.

"What?" Sullivan said, looking around but it was too late and a Garda was directing them into a separate lane for a random breath test. "Shit, I think I'm just a little bit over the limit" Sullivan hiccuped while pulling into the lane. "You're fucking pissed Sullivan!" Valkyrie screamed, "what are we going to do?"

"I think the solution here is to tackle the problem directly" Sullivan said, gulping the last dregs of his vodka and stomping on the accelerator.

Valkyrie screamed in mortal terror as the low-rider leapt forwards, knocking over a line of traffic cones and send a Guard bouncing off the hood. Sullivan rode the car up onto the gutter to avoid a merging hatchback and hit a second Guard who grabbed the wing mirror. Sullivan rolled the window down and began hitting the cop over the head with the empty vodka bottle, knocking his hat off.

"Get _*SMACK*_ off!" Sullivan screamed, "you're going to *_SMACK!*_ scuff the paint job!" The low-rider clipped a Garda car and knocked the cop off the door. Sullivan laughed as the cop rolled to a halt. "That was awesome!" he exclaimed as he reached under the seat and took a bottle of beer out, it's sides glistening with condensation.

He cracked the top off with a bottle opener attached to the key ring and took a mouthful as he accelerated and pulled into an alleyway to escape the three Garda cars chasing them.

Dead-end. The alley was blocked by a low wall, effectively stopping them in their tracks.

"Shit!" Sullivan said, downing more beer as he looked behind them as the alley began to fill with Guards. "Don't worry!" he shouted, "I'll do a burnout, you guys use the smoke to get over the wall! Use the air to get yourselves over!"

"Go! Do it!" Hanna shouted, clutching the door handle as Sullivan pressed the low-rider up against the wall to let Sullivan use more throttle. Speaking of Sullivan, he swallowed the last of his beer and stomped on the throttle.

Unfortunately for Sullivan, the wall was only one brick thick and when he hit the accelerator, the low-rider broke clean through and shot out the other side, bricks bouncing off the bonnet and roof.

Sullivan laughed again, "did that just happen?" Valkyrie stopped screaming and slumped down in her seat. "Just get us to the Sanctuary" she said breathlessly.

* * *

Hanna, Sullivan, Valkyrie and Fletcher sat in the Asian restaurant and ate Asian food. Or in Sullivan's case, drank Asian alcohol and ate Asian food. They sat in front of the little train carrying the dishes.

Fletcher took a plate of spring rolls off the train and began eating as Hanna and Valkyrie began chatting about onsies. "Where's the spring rolls?" Sullivan said to no-one in particular as he scanned the train for any sign of the tasty food.

A trio of young girls were singing karaoke in the corner, filling the room with what they probably thought were beautiful melodies and soaring symphonies but, in reality, they made a chainsaw sound like Mozart.

"Where _are_ the spring rolls?" Sullivan said, growing more concerned by the minute. In the meantime, Fletcher took the next dish of spring rolls off the train and tucked in again.

Although none of the four companions realised it, the trio of girls had finished the song and the karaoke box was open to whoever wanted to use it. At the exact moment the girls finished, a rather drunk Remus Crux stood and stumbled over to the small stage where the karaoke performers stood.

"Hello everyone, my name is Remus," he slurred catching the attention of Sullivan, Hanna and Valkyrie who turned to face him. "I'll be performing Changed The Way You Kissed Me by Example for you tonight and I hope you enjoy it" Crux slurred, taking up the microphone and pressing a few buttons on the karaoke box.

All of the companions (aside from Fletcher who was stuffing his face and stealing every dish of spring rolls on the train) did a double take. Yep, definitely the same Remus Crux who worked at the Sanctuary. Upbeat electro music began playing as Crux, defying his evident drunkenness, removed a pair of wayfarer sunglasses from inside his coat and performed a series of dance moves which liked like a mix between Gangnam Style and heavy metal style head-banging with some pelvic thrusts thrown in for good measure.

Immediately, all of the hipsters in the room, easily identifiable by their beards, glasses and op-shop clothing, turned and took in the spectacle of a man in sunglasses at night, a large, furry coat and sporting a rather stupid beard perform a series of ridiculous dance moves. "He is _The One_!" they all gasped.

"I never been afraid of the highest heights," Crux began, performing a dance move which include the participation of the microphone stand. Not only did it make several hipsters faint in amazement, it also had the side effect of making Crux appear to be rapidly fornicating with the microphone stand.

* * *

Across town, James Mandt bolted upright in his bed. "I sense shit that I have yet to fuck up!" he shrieked before jumping out of bed like a ninja, grabbing his pimp coat and dashing out the door.

* * *

Meanwhile, Sullivan, Hanna and Valkyrie were drop jawed in surprise. They recovered quickly and resumed eating and drinking like nothing had happened. "WHERE'S THE FUCKING SPRING ROLLS!?" Sullivan screamed, jumping up on the train and scrambling along it's entire length but to no avail.

"Where are the damn spring rolls..." he sobbed, collapsing face down on the train. The train valiantly continued on it's circuit, carrying the crying Sullivan Climax along on it. Diners could only watch in bewilderment as a grown man sobbed his way past them on top of the miniature train.

Crux was halfway through his song and a large section of song without singing had reached him. Then Crux began shedding his clothes. Many of the hipsters let out cat calls and wolf whistles, some of the women removed blades of grass from somewhere and placed them between their thumbs and blew on them, producing a loud squeaking noise, the mating call of the hipsters.

Then Rudy Wade walked in with an amazing amount of swag which seemed to be too much for just one person because it was just that much swag. Sullivan jumped upright, still standing on the train, and screamed "I'll have your babies!" Rudy could only stare in amazement as Sullivan lost his balance and fell off the raised platform which the train was on, knocking himself unconscious.

Julian Spry walked in carrying a bong as Crux finished his song, tossing a sultry wink at the nearest hipsters who promptly went ape shit and turned the hipster gathering into a kind of orgy crossed with a dance party crossed with a street fight. Spry looked at the smashed train, broken plates, the shell-shocked diners, Hanna and Valkyrie who were torn between laughter and concern, an unconscious Sullivan Climax who was covered in Asian food and Rudy Wade standing in the middle of it all.

Spry looked at the bong in his hand and at the destruction a few times then dropped the bong and climbed into the ceiling cavity muttering "I must have been smoking some weird shit man..."

Sullivan suddenly woke up, lying on his belly on the ground. In front of him, just a few inches away, was a plate of perfect, untouched spring rolls with a little squeezy plastic fish filled with soy sauce on the side. Sullivan was ready to cry with happiness.

And that's when Spry fell through the ceiling and crushed the spring rolls to a fine powder.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Valduggery ahoy! Sorry if it's not much but I thought it was a sweet little ending... also more zombies...**_

_**Collaborative Lady: Fair enough, but as I've said before: anything other than crack is tricky to write. This is kind of as close to non-crack as I can do without it being boring. My friend who I based Hanna off is going to try her hand at fan-fic (the second chapter was her work) so I'll PM you a link to her story when she starts it.**_

_**Lucilia Venom: Sorry if it's not to your liking, I'm willing to re-do if you want me to.**_

* * *

" - but I need you two and Sullivan to do this" Skulduggery said.

There was stunned silence in the apartment, broken only by Sullivan singing _Milkshake_ in the shower.

"Seriously? This is how you got all of your money?" Ghastly said incredulously and Skulduggery nodded. "Well," Ghastly said, "I _did_ wonder how you could afford all those repairs on the Bentley and the renovations on your house with just a detective's wage."

Skulduggery shrugged and said "and now I'm out of money again..." Hanna looked at Ghastly, "we can help, cant we?" Ghastly shook his head firmly, "if Skulduggery is caught, it could spark a war between the Sanctuaries." A sly smile crossed his face, "but then again, I have always wanted to rob a bank."

Sullivan walked into the living room of the apartment with a towel around his waist and damp hair. "What did I miss?" he said. Ghastly stood and stretched. "Only us planning to robbing a bank" he said. Sullivan laughed, "nice one Ghastly" he said while walking off to his room.

"Meet me tomorrow at my place. Ghastly, bring your van" Skulduggery said while standing and straightening his tie. Ghastly nodded and Hanna stood as well, "anything Sully and I should bring?" Skulduggery shook his head and said "I'll supply the needed goods."

* * *

Sullivan pulled up outside the house on Cemetery Road. "What are we doing again?" he asked while pulling the handbrake up. "Robbing a bank" Hanna said, getting out and shutting the door. Sullivan chuckled and got out as well, following Hanna up the path to the front door. Hanna let herself in.

"Kitchen" Skulduggery called and they followed the sound of his velvet smooth voice. They were greeted by Skulduggery and Ghastly who were busy cleaning two identical revolvers. Two more sat on the table, already finished. Sullivan reached for a finished gun and Skulduggery flicked his hand with a rag. "Mine" he said before resuming his job swabbing the bore.

Sullivan picked up the other revolver and thumbed back the hammer before extending his arm and looking down the sights, checking that they were aligned. "Can't Valkyrie help? It would make things easier" Sullivan said, pressing the hammer back in and placing it back on the table.

"It would only ruin my air of mystique" Skulduggery said, dropping the rag in the sink and placing the Smith &Wesson on the table. "Plus, I don't think she would want to know that I robbed a bank to pay for her holiday as well as that I'm..." Skulduggery cut himself off abruptly. "As well as what?" Ghastly asked, pausing his polishing of the barrel.

"Nothing" Skulduggery said quickly, placing a box of rounds on the table and loading his gun. Ghastly finished polishing his revolver and stood. "I think someone has a soft spot for little Miss Cain." Skulduggery stood abruptly and flicked the chamber of his revolver closed with a single practice. "Who?" he asked, a little bit too innocently.

Ghastly laughed and loaded his gun before clicking the safety and tucking it into the back of his jeans. Hanna and Sullivan loaded their guns too and they all walked out to Ghastly's van and climbed in the back as Sullivan began whistling _Golden Revolver_.

* * *

"Holy shit," Sullivan said, "We're robbing a bank." They parked in-front of the bank and pulled on balaclavas before reading their revolvers. They climbed out, walked past a shambling homeless man and through the front doors, gently pushing a leaving civilian back into the main room.

They spread out and covered the entire room with their revolvers. "Okay everyone, you've all seen this on TV, on the floor with your hands on top of your head" Skulduggery said, sounding bored. Ghastly walked up to a terrified teller and handed her a sack, "fill it with all of the notes you have, most to least expensive" he ordered and the teller hurried to comply.

Sullivan circled around the room and checked that no one was trying to jump them. He saw a familiar face. Valkyrie and her family were in the bank.

Valkyrie looked at him and a spark of comprehension leapt between them. Luckily, they were saved by a low moan coming from the doorway. Everyone in the room turned and stared at the blood covered man in the doorway.

Zombie.

**_(A/N: This bit is inspired by the bit in the Mob of The Dead cinematic)_**

All four saw the zombie and even though they knew that a shot to the head was the only way to kill them, sometimes you just had to go for style points. They made a line facing the zombie and exchanged looks.

They raised their revolvers, gangster style, and thumbed back the hammers.

The zombie roared and stumbled towards them

Skulduggery, Ghastly, Sullivan and Hanna let fucking rip.

Loud bangs reverberated through the bank as twenty-six bullets almost tore the zombie apart, sending small plumes of blood through the air and soaking into the carpet. The zombie stumbled forwards until all four of them sent their last bullet into the zombie's head, popping it like a tin of soup.

The headless corpse collapsed forwards onto the floor at their feet as all four reloaded their guns.

"Aww fuck!" Sullivan moaned, "not another zombie apocalypse..."

* * *

There was a deep, meaty, smacking sound as Sullivan hit a zombie in the face and kicked it away. "You stay the fuck away from my beer keg!" he shouted and hefted the keg onto his shoulder before legging it down the street after the others.

They had been running down the streets of Dublin for nearly an hour now, and Sullivan was still lugging that beer keg around. Valkyrie, Skulduggery and Hanna bolted into an abandoned building and Sullivan followed.

It was dark in the building and it got even darker when Skulduggery shut the door and braced it shut with the keg of beer.

"Sullivan, turn on the lights."

"Okay..."

There was moment of silence.

"Sullivan?"

"Hold on, I'm just getting my pick-up line ready..."

"What?"

"Heh hem... Hey lights! Wanna bang?"

"WHAT!?

"You're right, I can better than that... Oh my, you are looking so beautiful today lights! Would you care to come back to my apartment later after a few drinks?"

"Sullivan, switch the fucking lights on!"

"Okay, okay! Jeez..."

The room was suddenly alight with bright, white light. They all sighed a sigh of relief. Zombies pounded on the door, nearly knocking it off its hinges. "Shit" Valkyrie said. The room's only exit was collapsed. They were trapped.

"Valkyrie, I have to tell you something" Skulduggery said suddenly. Valkyrie looked at him, "what are you talking about?" Skulduggery seemed lost for words for the first time in ever. "I – I – I..."

"Come on, speak up"

"I lov- look, I'm sorry but I cant do this when Sullivan is doing that behind you..."

They all turned to see Sullivan jumping around and trying to remove something inside his jeans. "Sullivan, what the hell are you doing?" Hanna asked, mildly alarmed. "Trying.. to.. get.. this out!" Sullivan grunted then shouted in triumph as he managed to remove a hand grenade from inside his pants.

"WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE A GRENADE IN YOUR PANTS!?"

Sullivan weighed the grenade in his hand, "I have another one, it was a two for one deal." "Well, where's other one?" Hanna asked. Sullivan looked at her. The blood drained from Valkyrie's face. "Dear god..." she whispered.

"Don't be disgusting," Sullivan said, "it's back at the apartment, behind the couch somewhere..."

He pulled the pin and released the spoon, tossing the grenade at the door just as it was broken open by the zombies. The grenade hit the ground and detonated.

* * *

Skulduggery Hanna, Valkyrie and Sullivan emerged into the early morning sunlight. They had a moment of serene calm, appreciating the tranquil beauty of the sunrise. Then Hanna grabbed Sullivan by the ear and began dragging him back to the apartment.

"OW OW OW OW OW!" he screamed as Hanna dragged him away. "We're going to find that hand grenade and turn it in to the police" she said as they walked and were dragged off, leaving Skulduggery and Valkyrie by themselves.

"Well, are you going to tell me what you were about to say back in that building?" Valkyrie said. Skulduggery stuttered for a moment before Valkyrie dropped a bombshell by saying "I know you love me Skulduggery."

"You do?"

"Yep, I _am_ a detective after all."

"You.. You knew? And didn't tell me?"

"Uh-huh, want to know why?"

"Why?"

Valkyrie leaned up and whispered in Skulduggery's ear "cos' I love you too".

She kissed him on the cheek and gave him a hug before walking off with a broad smile on her face. Skulduggery stood there, dumbstruck. He shook his head, gave an imaginary smile and walked off after her.


	9. Chapter 9

**_Sorry it's so small, but I've been a bit preoccupied with other stuff. Seriously, it's so small it can barely even be called a chapter...  
_**

A complete badass walked down the streets of Roarhaven. His fake Vans clicked as they tapped the pavement, causing every woman he passed to turn and stare at him, before following in his wake. The badass walked into the Sanctuary, his tanned, muscled arms gleaming in the harsh, electric light.

His abs showed through his singlet and he popped his pecs with every step. The badass passed Doctor Senchynode and winked at her, causing her to faint. He passed Valkyrie as she emerged from an office and she gasped, dropping the Manila folder in her hands. She also joined the line of females following the badass.

Madam Mist glided into view before stopping sharply as she saw the badass. The badass brushed past her and she gave a high pitched squeal of delight and joined the line of females. Ghastly and Ravel were around the next corner and stopped to stare as the badass walked past them with a bright smile and a "Morning!".

The badass walked into the main chamber of the Sanctuary, causing all of the mages to turn and stare as he walked between stunned males and star-struck females. Skulduggery and Hanna were discussing a case at the main planning desk. They looked up as the badass approached them and stopped.

"Sullivan?" Hanna said in slight disbelief. Sullivan grinned, seeming oblivious to the horde of females who were filling the hall behind him. "Yea?" he modern-slanged. "Turn around..."

Sullivan turned around and did a double take before taking a step back towards Skulduggery and Hanna. The horde of females took a step towards him. "Oh," Sullivan said, "That's certainly different..."

Then the horde of females charged

_**A/N: This was how I felt walking into school on Monday, fuck knows why... One of my guy friends has promised to get me a t-shirt with the words 'Bitches left, right and centre' on it...**_


End file.
